planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
