i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
