Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
The best revenge is premature balding
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
