My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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