My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Randomize
