I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Randomize