If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
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