this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
