I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
