My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
