i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I yelled at your uterus for you.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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