dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Randomize
