He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Randomize
