Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
