new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
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