just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
