Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
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