You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
