Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
