and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
