he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
