i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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