im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
