I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
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