i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
