Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
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She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
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I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
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