cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
