Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
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Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
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It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
God, I missed his penis.
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