During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
