You really coming over, don't trick.
R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
