I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
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No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
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HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
And then he peed in my hair
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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