Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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