So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Randomize
