I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Randomize
