my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Randomize
