What did we do last night that was yellow?
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
