also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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