Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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