Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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