Welp...herpes.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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