Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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