Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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