Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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