There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
