Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I have tasted many bathrooms
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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