Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I could make wine with my vomit
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
