After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
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