If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
it was like his penis was on wheels.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
