you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
