my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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