haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I need mimosas to revive my soul
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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