I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
