Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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