Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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