im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
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