I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I can't put those talents on a resume
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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