I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
