I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Damn victory sex feels great
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
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