wrigley field is MILF paradise
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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