Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
