My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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