Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
