Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
